


i'm so high at the moment, i'm so caught up in this (we're just young, dumb and broke but we still got love to give)

by RoseofWinterfell



Series: Jiara July 2020 [1]
Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Drug Use, F/M, Pre-Canon, Pretty much JJ lowkey being Kie's drug dealer, i guess, idk just go with it, it's not super heartbreaking or anything, jiara july 2020, just make a guess, nothing matters, some Sarah and JJ friendship seeds sown cause why not, spotty timeline cause I’m lazy, ‘i know that door is locked because I’ve tried it’ backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25455859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseofWinterfell/pseuds/RoseofWinterfell
Summary: Kie [9:14]Can you get me some weed?JJ [10:51]im not your drug dealerKie [10:52]Please JJJJ [10:54]whats wrong ? fancy new kook friends can’t get their own ?Kie [11:07]JJ -Kie [11:07]PleaseseenKie [11:30]FinedeliveredKie [11:38]What’s your cousins number ?JJ [11:40]yeah cause that’s going to happenKie [11:40]You’re an assholedeliveredKie [12:05]I’ll pay doubleJJ [12:06]Fine.______________A totally plausible but not entirely probable speculation of Kie’s kook year and JJ’s part in it.[Jiara Week 2020 - Day 1, Precanon]
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Series: Jiara July 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1845823
Comments: 30
Kudos: 111
Collections: Jiara July Jubilee





	i'm so high at the moment, i'm so caught up in this (we're just young, dumb and broke but we still got love to give)

**Author's Note:**

> Jiara week is finally here fam!
> 
> All my fic's this week are dedicated to the jiara july gc for all their support and keeping the jiara dream alive.  
> Title is from Young Dumb & Broke by Khalid  
> Without further ado here's day 1: precanon with a speculated retelling of Kiara's kook year that even I don't believe is what happened...  
> Enjoy and please kudo and comment because I thrive off the validation of others.

JJ wakes up to John B’s snoring, his best friend sprawled out on his stomach next to him in his bed. They’d had a big night, Big John had gone off shipwreck hunting again so JJ scored some beer and they got drunk. Spent the night doing dumb shit while Pope reminded them that drinking alcohol at their age will stunt their development.

The sun streaming in through the windows makes him think they’ve slept away most of the morning and make’s his head pound. He searches for his phone to check the time, finds it hidden in the mass of pillows and blankets and squints at the screen seeing a message that had come in earlier in the day while he was sleeping.

 **Kie [9:14]** Can you get me some weed?

JJ stares down at the message. He hadn’t heard from Kie in over a month. None of them had.

When she went to the kook academy instead to Kildare County High with the rest of them she had insisted that nothing would change, _pouges for life_. And for a while it didn’t.It happened slowly over time.

Day’s spent in the group chat complaining about the school, and after school and weekends spent at The Chateau with them, slowly morphed into _seen_ messages and lame excuses, until they stopped hearing from her altogether.

They’d seen enough instagram posts and snapchat stories to know the reason for her disappearance. She’d been pulled into the shiny kook life of Sarah Cameron and they weren’t good enough for her anymore.

So she hadn’t talked to any of them in months and here she is messaging him like nothings changed. Not only that but messaging him for a favour. Sure, JJ has alway’s been the supplier of weed for the group, his cousin always more than willing to hook him up, but she forfeited that service when she abandoned them.

 **JJ [10:51]** im not your drug dealer

 **Kie [10:52]** Please JJ

She replies almost instantly and JJ considers not responding, but can’t help making a dig.

 **JJ [10:54]** whats wrong ? fancy new kook friends can’t get their own ?

It might be a cheep shot but what does she expect? 

She doesn’t respond and he figures she’ll leave him alone now.

He pockets his phone and pulls out the crumbled, messy joint that his drunk self had the forethought to roll for his hangover. Careful not to wake John B he climbs out of the bed, and heads past Pope who’s fast asleep on the pullout couch, to the hammock outside.

The joint’s hanging out of his mouth while he lazily scrolls through instagram when another text comes in.

 **Kie [11:07]** JJ -

He clicks on the notification in some misguided hope that she’s building up to something, an apology or something. Instead-

 **Kie [11:07]** Please

Rolling his eyes he closes the app without responding. Of course she doesn’t see how fucked up this is, getting her old friend from The Cut to get drugs for her and her rich friends who wouldn’t dare do it themselves. How it doesn’t occur to her to apologise or admit what she did to them was wrong. Fuck her.

 **Kie [11:30]** Fine

He doesn’t even bother opening that one.

 **Kie [11:38]** What’s your cousins number ?

JJ actually scoffs at that one. It’s one thing for JJ to use Jake as a connection but a completely different thing Kie using him. The man was still a Maybank and sending a young, naive and hot Kie to him was just asking for trouble. He may be mad at her but he would never put her in a situation like that.

 **JJ [11:40]** yeah cause that’s going to happen

 **Kie [11:40]** You’re an asshole

And of course she doesn’t realise he’s actually looking out for her. He leaves it unopened.

 **Kie [12:05]** I’ll pay double

In the end, he may have principles, but he is still his fathers son, and money does a pretty good job at bending them.

 **JJ [12:06]** Fine.

* * *

He doesn’t tell the boys about it. He’s not quite sure why, part of him is sure that they’d be as pissed as him, that she thinks she can just call in favours and act like nothing happened. However, there’s the other part of him that thinks that they might think he’s being too harsh on her, that taking more money than he should from her is uncalled for. He can her John B telling him _she’s still our friend_ and Pope telling him _it’s not fair, think about your karma._

He doesn’t care, she’s getting what she wants, she named the price.

Just to be safe he doesn’t let her come pick it up, not that she offered, apparently his services involve delivery, he’s not risking John B and Pope finding out and dealing with whatever enviable drama that will unfold, whichever way it would go.

Peddling his bike up the Carrera’s driveway he’s glad that their house, while still in Figure 8, is on the outskirts so he doesn’t have to travel too far. Kie, in nothing but a bright red string bikini, is standing on the front porch when he reaches the house and dumps his bike onto the gravel. He silently keeps eye contact as he walks up to her, it’s not like he’s never seen her in a bikini before but this is different, in the last months she’s changed. And look, Kie has always been hot but now she’s got more curves, and her boobs are way bigger and practically spilling out the the small amount of material. If he still cared he’d comment on how much weight she’s lost since he last saw her, but he doesn’t so he keeps his mouth shut.

All in all, it's distracting. And he’s not about to be distracted. Not now.

When he gets close enough he fishes the bag out of his pocket and throws it at her, she catches it awkwardly against her chest, not having excepted it.

‘Thanks,’ she says, the first words spoken between them in a long time.

He doesn’t respond just stands at the bottom of the stairs and hold out his hand. Kie seems nervous, and he’s glad for that much, that she doesn’t just think they are cool, but after a moment of staring at his hand places the money in it.

Offering her a nod in acknowledgement JJ spins on his heels, shoving the notes in this pocket and walks off.

‘JJ!’ She calls after him, he stops in his tracks and turns back to her slowly.

‘Do you think you could roll it for us?’

JJ lets out a groan and throws his head back, squeezing his eyes tight shut and pinching the bridge of his nose. Kie had never rolled a joint in her life, they only started smoking the summer before she started at the kook academy and JJ had always done it for them. He wants to snap at her to figure it out herself, but one look at her pleading eyes makes him reconsider, roughly running his hands over his face and sighing.

‘Yeah, okay.’

 _Us_ turns out to just be Kie and Sarah Cameron he discovers after following Kie through the house to the pool. Sarah is laying on one of the lounges, scrolling through her phone, she looks up when the approach and her face scrunches and an eyebrow raises at him. Kie must throw her some look that JJ can’t see from behind her, because Sarah’s eyes widen and her head tilts for a second before she looks back down at her phone.

Kie sits down on the lounge next to Sarah and pulls her feet up for JJ to sit on the end. They actually have papers, which Kie hands over with the bag of weed and he get’s to work focusing on the task and distracting himself from the weird and awkward situation he’s found himself in, hoping to leave as soon as possible. Any other time being alone with two hot girls next to no clothing would have been a dream, this is something resembling a nightmare.

The girls play on their phones, occasionally making comment on someone’s instagram post or some piece of gossip they stubbled across while JJ works. He finishes the first one and fishes his lighter out of his pocket, he places the joint between his lips and lights it up.

‘Hey,’ Kie calls when he’s taking a drag, ‘that’s not yours.’

She playfully kicks out and her foot lands against his side. He laughs, blowing out the smoke and trying to dodge her attack.

‘Consider it payment for my services Kie,’ he catches himself and quickly adds, ‘ara.’

It seemed so normal like before, him teasing her, her reprimanding him with no actual anger, the nickname just slips out before he can stop himself. He hasn’t called her Kiara in years, not since they became friends but he’s not just going to call her Kie now. He’s not going to let her get off the hook that easy, let them pretend this is like old times, like they still friends, like nothing has changed.

She clearly picks up on his slip because her smile falters for a second and when it comes back it’s not as bright or genuine. She grabs the joint from from him a takes a long drag before slowly blowing the smoke out with practiced skill. It’s annoyingly hot.

JJ starts on rolling the next one as Kie hands it off to Sarah, who coughs and splutters like a true amateur. Minutes later she starts rambling complete shit and his prediction about her never smoking before is confirmed.

When he’s finishing up the last one Kie’s starting to look pretty out of it too and both girls are trading slowly spoken half coherent sentences that almost make up a conversation.

‘Just take it easy okay?’ JJ sighs.

Kie turns to him and tilts her head.

‘I don’t want you two getting completely fucked up doing something dumb and getting yourselves injured or killed.’

It almost sounds like he cares, which he doesn't, and Kie must think so too because she smiles at him lazily with a twinkle in her eye.

‘It’s gonna get traced back to me and I’ll get in shit for killing the two kook girls,’ he elaborates.

Kie smirks at him, ‘you sure that’s the only reason you’ll care if I die?’

He’s not going to give her the satisfaction, they're not friends anymore, she can’t act like they are when she feels like it, when she wants something from him.

‘Yup,’ he dumps the last joint in the bag, seals it up and tosses it to Kie.

She almost looks sad when he stands and shoves his hand in his pockets.

‘We done here?’

Kie nods slowly.

‘Dude,’ Sarah speaks up, seeming to have missed the change in mood, ‘I wanna swim in your eyes.’

‘Sarah,’ Kie scolds.

JJ rolls his eyes, turns and mutters under his breath, ‘Jesus fucking christ.’

Without another word to Kie, without another word from her, he leaves.

* * *

He should have known it wouldn’t be a once off. It becomes a thing and while he doesn’t love the fact that he’s somehow become Kie’s own personal drug dealer, he does like the extra money he’s making from it, most of it goes on weed and beer for him and John B but he’s saving some hoping to fix up the old dirt bike his dad discarded down the back of their house. And he’d be lying if he didn’t enjoy spending time with Kie again, no matter how brief, no matter if he knows that she’s only doing it because she wants something from him, that they still aren’t friends. But sometimes they talk and joke like they used to, and he’s giving into it more and more because it’s nice, and as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he does miss her.

He still doesn’t tell the boys. Because he doesn’t think it would help anything, or change anything. And it feels weird keeping something from them but also, there’s something about feeling like he has Kiara all to himself, like they have this thing just between the two of them.

It’s always when her parents aren’t home, the Carrera’s were never big fan’s of him and he’s sure if they found out he was supplying their little girl with weed they’d be even less enthusiastic about his presence. She always invites him in to do the rolling for her, sometimes she’s alone, most time’s Sarah’s there too, she talks to him a little more but still hasn’t exactly warmed to him. On occasion there’s been a group of kooks there and they stare at him like some dirty pouge drug dealer that has wandered into their pristine land. Which he guesses isn’t too far off base. He hates those time’s the most, he just sits off to the side, doesn’t talk to anyone and leaves as soon as possible.

She invites him up to her bedroom one time, he tries not to notice the polaroids she’s got stuck up on the wall, ones they took last summer, most of them are blurry and blinded by sun rays but it reminds them of how they used to be, how happy they all were. It hurts more than he wishes it did.

She’s dressed up in a tiny, tight dress, going to a party or something, and he tries his best not to look as she sits across from him on the bed and he teaches her how to roll. He almost wishes she was shit at it, she’s not, because he knows if she can roll she won’t need him any more and they are going to be spending a lot less time together.

The next time he asks her if she needs helps and she flashes him a proud smile and tells him she’s got it covered. He doesn’t want to leave then and stands their awkwardly hoping she might invite him in anyway. She doesn’t and he leaves hating himself for being so stupid as to think they were actually friends again.

* * *

**Kie [6:43]** can you come over?

 **JJ [6:44]** wow gone through it already ?

 **JJ [6:44]** i don’t know if I should be proud or worried

He’d only dropped off more yesterday.

 **Kie [6:44]** No I don’t need any

 **Kie [6:44]** Can you please just come over

 **Kie [6:45]** Like now.

The messages worry him. There’s very few things Kie wants him for these days and this doesn’t seem to be her usual request.

 **JJ [6:45]** yeah ill be there soon

Kie rips open the front door when he steps up on the porch. She looks glassy eyed and freaked out, she opens the door wider inviting him in.

‘So, me and Sarah made brownies,’

‘Of course you did,’ he sighs.

In no way would he have thought these girls would have handled edibles well. Especially with Sarah being such a lightweight.

‘And now she’s freaking out and it’s scaring me.’

JJ followed her through the house.

‘And how long did you wait for it to kick in before you had another one.’

Kie stops in her tracks turning to him slowly with a nervous smile.

‘Well there’s your problem.’

‘Hey, it’s not my fault. I’m fine,’ she protests.

‘Yeah well you have a higher tolerance than her.’

She sighs, looks at him for a second like she’s contemplating saying something, instead she gestures to the door next to them.

When he enters the room he’s met with Sarah under the dining table, her arms wrapped around the leg, face pushes up against it. Her eyes are closed and she’s muttering something under her breath as she slightly rocks back and forth.

JJ crouches down in front of her and reaches out to touch her shoulder.

‘Sarah?’

She flinches at his touch but her eyes open and she looking at him, her pupils completely blown.

‘Hey, it’s okay. It’s just me. It’s JJ.’

Her panic seems to subside slightly and she reaches out her hands towards him. They are all over the place, like they don’t really know where they’re going or if he’s real but they eventually land on either side of his face and she smiles.

‘Hey ocean eyes,’ she slurs.

High Sarah has always had a fascination with his eyes.

‘Hey.’

She leans her head forward and rests her forehead against his, closing her eyes again. He thinks it’s more to steady herself than anything else.

‘You feeling okay?’

Her bottom lip pouts out and shakes her head.

‘That’s alright. You’re going to be okay Sarah.’

He turns his head to looks at Kie and Sarah’s head falls down to his shoulder.

‘Can you get a glass of water?’

Kie just stares at him for a beat, blinking slowly, before seeming to realise he’s talking to her and running off.

If he’s being honest he doesn’t really know what to do, he’s never bothered with edibles before. But his best guess is that Sarah just needs to be reassured that it’s going to be okay, and then maybe try and sleep it off.

He repeats, ‘it’s going to be okay,’ over and over, stroking her back hoping it will keep her grounded.

When Kie comes back with the glass of water he convinces Sarah to take a sip and she ends up downing it which, based on absolutely nothing, he’s going to take as a good sign. He figures the next step would be get her to bed, see if she’ll sleep.

‘Hey Sarah, you want to come for a walk?’

She shakes her head, ‘no. It’s safe under here.’

‘You’ll be safe with me. I won’t let anything happen to you.’

She pulls back to look at him.

‘I promise where we’re going is so much better.’

She eventually relents and lets him help her upstairs to Kie’s bedroom. He asked Kie to put on some music as he gets Sarah under the covers and comfortable.

‘Just focus on the music and try to get some sleep okay?’

Humming in response Sarah’s eyes fall closed and it’s seems to be helping already.

JJ sits down on the floor, back up against the bed and Kie comes to join him. She sits way to close to him and when she leans down to rest her head on his shoulder his whole body stills. They sit in silence until Sarah starts making soft snores.

‘Thanks,’ Kie whispers to him.

‘I didn’t really do much,’ he shrugs, the motion makes Kie move her head and sit up and he regrets it immediately.

‘You helped. I had no clue what to do.’

There’s a silence before she continues.

‘I didn’t have anyone else to call. So thank you for coming.’

He looks at her and smiles, ‘I’d say anytime, but I recommend you guys don’t try this again.’

Kie laughs, ‘probably shouldn’t.’

There’s another pause.

‘Do you want one?’

He’s pretty sure it’s an offer to stay and really he’s not about to turn that down. He’s not going to turn down free weed either.

‘Fuck it. Why not.’

They flop down on the couch in her living room and Kie watches him intently with hooded eyes as he eats his brownie.

They talk, or more Kie rambles and JJ listens as he waits for it to kick in. It’s nice, just hanging out, the two of them, no reason, no underling motive. Just for each others company. Even if she’s high, even if she only invited him over for yet another favour.

It kicks in about an hour later, he rests his head back against the couch and lulls his head to the side to look at Kie. Her arm rubs against his and shivers runs up his skin at the contact, has she been sitting that close the whole time?

Kie copies his action and gives him a lazy smile as she looks at him.

‘Sarah’s right you know.’

‘Right about what?’

Her fingers brush down the side of his face then she rests her hand on his cheek.

‘About your eyes.’

He squints at her, ‘that they look like the ocean?’

‘That they’re beautiful,’ she lets out a small giggle and then bites her lips, a smile still escaping from the corners of her mouth.

JJ flutters his eyelashes at her and tries his best not to blush. He’s pretty sure she wouldn’t even notice if he did.

After a beat her hand slides from his cheek and rests on her chest, he wonders if she can feel it beat faster when she shuffled in closer.

‘I’m glad you’re here JJ,’ she looks at him though her eyelashes, ‘thank you for coming.’

‘Of course,’ he wants to make a joke, tease her about how much she needs him, but she looks at him with such sincerity and softness it get’s caught in his throat, ‘I’ll always come when you ask.’

It’s lame as hell, and god he wishes it wasn’t true, but he doesn’t have the capabilities to deny it right now, nor the presence of mind to not say it out loud.

She leans forward and plants her lips to his cheek, his skin burns and he doesn’t want her to pull away. When she does, she moves around to face him, pushes her forehead against his.

Her eyes are closed and he can soft puffs of air from her breath against his lips. Her hand on his chest grips his shirt and he wills her to open her eyes, so he can see them, maybe work out what she’s thinking, what’s happening.

They stay closed, her head wobbling around in his space, not being able to stay still, for the briefest of seconds her lips touch his before they’re gone again, still close enough that if he wanted to -

He shifts forward and kisses her without much thought to it. He’s sure she’s kisses back for a full second before her whole body tenses.

She stills and so does he, not sure what he’s supposed to do now. Then she’s pulling away, shuffling away from him, looking out in front of her instead of at him beside her.

_Fuuuuuck._

_Fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck._

_What did he just do?_

‘Kie-‘

She cuts him off, not giving him a chance to explain. Apologise maybe, he’s not really sure what he was going to say.

‘I think my parents will be home soon.’

In a moment it’s like she completely sobered up, her voice now distant in a completely different way now, it’s cold instead of light and airy. He really fucked up.

He takes the hint, knows she’s not going to be as subtle if he doesn’t. He stands, shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at her, hoping she’ll give him something. Even just look at him.

She doesn’t, keeps her gaze firmly locked on the wall in front of her.

‘I-‘ he starts but doesn’t know what to say, knows its a lost cause, so he turns and leaves.

* * *

When Big John goes missing he doesn’t know what he expects. All he knows is that John B is a mess of denial and repressed grief and there’s only so much him and Pope can do to try and help.

They need Kiara and some dumb part of him actually thinks she might come through for them. Because somehow in the last couple of months he’s convinced himself that even though she ditched them there’s a small part of her that still cares about them, that she still sees them as her friends and she’ll come when they need her most.

She doesn’t come.

And JJ shouldn’t be so mad about that. He know’s he shouldn’t. Because she isn’t their friend anymore, she made that clear. She has no reason to come comfort them, or keep them from falling apart. Pope and John B don’t even mention her and he’s not sure if because they are too scared to or because they just don’t think about her anymore, don’t expect anything from her in the way that JJ seem’s to.

Part of him wished he never responded to her text all those months ago. Never let her back into his life. Then he could’ve actually moved on, she wouldn’t be this annoyingly ever present thing in his mind. But really he’s so happy for all the small moments he got with her, no matter how short lived, not matter how they inevitably turned to shit.

He hasn’t heard from Kie since he kissed her. Which in hindsight was just about the dumbest thing he’s ever done, and there is a lot of competition for that title. And he wants to believe that they’ve just decided to lay off the weed for a while, since Sarah’s brownie incident. He’s knows it’s probably not the case, but he really doesn’t want to accept that he’s completely destroyed the last excuse he has to see Kiara.

He’s almost ashamed to admit how quickly he responds the next time Kie texts him. He wishes he could say he let her sweat, made her pay for not coming though for John B, or for rejecting himand the ghosting, but his heart jumps when he name pops up and he replies straight away.

Thankfully between the extra money he scored from Kie and sacrificing his free time and dignity to mow lawns for some kooks he managed to get the bike fixed up. It’s a piece of shit still but it runs, which he insists is a pretty good testament to his mechanical skills, and at least it means he doesn’t have to pedal his push bike all the way to the kook academy in the dark. Because, yeah. That’s a thing that is happening. He’s trying to figure out at what point Kiara became a person he’d do just about anything for.

There’s some school dance happening, that’s why he’s meeting her there, that’s why in his pocket instead of the usually bag of weed is a much smaller one with a few white pills. He’d considered saying no when she first asked, but ended up relenting, she was her own person and it wasn’t up to him to babysit her.

It’s probably a dumb idea, even being on the campus is enough to get him into deep shit, being there with drugs will certainly lead to handcuffs and a beating from his dad. He lingers just in the fence not wanting to venture to far, it’s close enough to the building that loud music is blaring from that he figures Kie can find him. He’s about to pull out his phone to text her when he notices movement off to the side, two people pushed up against a wall just out of the glow of a light. The girl, he quickly identifies as Kie, her face in clear view to him as the guy attacks her neck, his hands firmly planted on her hips.

_He doesn’t care._

She must sense someone is watching because her eyes flicker open and lock with his almost instantly. Her face morphs into something unreadable with the dim lighting and distance between them and then she’s pushing the guy off her and saying something. He puts up a fight before relenting, running a hand through his greasy slicked back hair and heading back inside.

JJ tries to catch a glimpse at the guy to figure out who he is but between the darkness and him facing away he can’t figure it out. Kie doesn’t look at him as she adjusts her clothes and JJ just sighs and moves to sit down on a bench near him.

Eventually Kie wanders over and hesitantly sits down next to him.

‘Who was that?’ He asks, trying his best to keep his tone casual.

‘No one.’

He spares a glance at her and she almost looks guilty, like he cares that she’s letting some kook mack on her. Which he doesn’t. Obviously.

They fall into a tense silence and JJ will’s himself to not bring it up, but he’s still angry about it and when is he going to get another chance to make her feel bad about it and really he’s never had very good impulse control.

‘Big John’s missing.’

Kie sighs, ‘I heard.’

‘That’s it?’

JJ looks at her properly now and hardens his glare. It’s like she doesn’t care, like really couldn’t give a fuck that a man that used to be a big part of her life is probably dead, that her former best friend just lost the person closest to him.

She shrugs, ‘he disappears all the time JJ.’

‘This is different and you know it. Shit, even Uncle T’s come back.’

Kie bites her lip nervously and then looks down, at least she has the decency to look ashamed.

‘Well, what do you want me to do about it?’

‘Nothing,’ he scoffs, ‘I stopped expecting you to do something a long time ago.’

Kie’s head snaps up to glare at him, he ignores it and fishes around in his pocket for the pills.

‘That’s not fair, I-‘

He cuts her off by slapping the bag into the palm, she just stares down at it for a minute and JJ starts getting restless, wishing he would just pay her so he can go. Really this was just altogether a bad idea.

‘Just take one at a time okay,’ he sighs, running his hand through his hair.

She looks at him and raises an eyebrow at him questioning.

‘I’m not having a repeat of the brownie incident.’

‘Yeah, we don’t want you kissing me again,’ she says it with a laugh, like it’s supposed to be a joke. It feels a lot like a taunt, like she mocking him for her thinking he could actually kiss her, like she’d ever want him to.

He stands not being able to sit still, sit right next to her, any longer.

‘Yeah you don’t have to worry about that happening again’ his voice comes out hard, cold.

He can’t read the look on her face as she looks up at him, he almost think she looks disappointed, like it’s not fun if he’s not going to be chasing after her like some lost puppy dog begging for scraps.

‘I wasn’t worried.’

‘It’s not like I actually want to mack you.’ It’s a lie, total bold face lie, and they both know it, but it’s a defence mechanism. When backed up to a wall there’s only one thing to do, deny, deny, deny.

‘Why not?’

JJ stares down at her as she tugs her bottom lip between her teeth. Where does she get off asking him why, giving him some sort of exit survey, _and why do you not want to be bitterly, embarrassingly, rejected again?_

His hands find them selves in his pockets, desperately searching for a joint that he knows isn’t in there. His fingers brush against the cool metal of his lighter instead and pulls that out, starts playing it it to keep his hands busy and his mind distracted.

‘I’m well aware I’ll never be good enough for you Kie.’

The words come out before he can stop them, he’s so used to playing his cards to his chest he has no clue why he decided to blatantly admit he kissed her because he wanted to, because he wanted her, and it hurts that she doesn’t want him too.

_What the fuck happened to deny, deny, deny, Maybank?_

‘Can’t have some deadbeat pouge hanging around and ruining your perfect life can you.’

She stands up and steps to him, he steps back.

‘My life’s not perfect, JJ.’

It shouldn’t surprise him, shouldn’t hurt so much, that she fights him on the perfect life part and not him not being good enough. It’s true, he’s knows it, he still kind of wishes she didn’t think it.

‘Looks pretty good from where I’m standing.’

‘You don’t know what it’s like, it’s-‘

‘And who’s fault is that?’ He cuts her off, ‘I might have the slightest idea what your life is like if you didn’t dump us. Just abandon us with like yesterdays trash, with out a second thought.’

Might as well get it all out in the open, he’s already stupidly let it slip that he actually does have feelings.

Her mouth opens and closes a couple times, trying to find the right words.

‘That’s not what happened,’ she finally lands on with a whisper.

‘Yeah it is,’ he wishes his voice didn’t come out so broken, not being able to keep the hurt tone when he’s not yelling, ‘and the fact the you can’t just admit that proves how shitty it was.’

He turns and starts walking away at that, not wanting to give her a chance to say anything more. He’s a couple steps away before he realises and has to turn back and stalk back to her.

‘I didn’t want to-‘ Kie starts but he doesn’t let her finish.

‘My money?’ He reminds her with an outreached palm.

With a defeated look Kie sighs and reaches into her back pocket pulling out a collection of bills. She places them in his hand, instead of dropping her hand she pulls in back slightly and hooks her fingers over his own.

JJ stares at their hands, trying to figure out what she was doing, when they don’t bring him answers he looks up at her. Her lip is pulled between her teeth and her gaze is burning unmoving, tears brimming in her eyes.

He can’t read what she thinking, what that look is, he thinks it might be regret, or maybe he just hopes it is, for whatever that’s worth. He stares back at her for a beat, trying to will himself to pull away.

Kie tightens her grip on him and makes a move to step forward and JJ snaps out of it, yanking his hand out of her grip and stepping back.

‘I do miss you,’ she confesses, his breath hitches, ‘all of you. It’s just - It’s complicated, okay?’

He fiddles with the money in his hand, processing her words, trying to figure out how he feels about them. He wants to snap at her _too little too late,_ but he can’t bring himself to, it’s the most genuine, the most vulnerable she’s been in months and he doesn’t want to lose that.

‘Well, you’re the only one who can fix that,’ he shoves the money in his pocket and shrugs, ‘you know where to find us.’

The truth is, if she came back they would welcome her with open arms, they all miss her. Even if they are angry, and hurt and like to act like she doesn’t exist, she’s still their friend and they’d want her back. They’d make her grovel a bit, but yeah, they want her back.

She doesn’t say anything so he turns on his heels and leaves.

It’s two weeks before he hears from her again, with a simple but enticing text.

 **Kie [9:38]** wanna come over and get high?

 **JJ [9:38]** sure

Kie is sitting in the dark on the top step of the back porch when he get’s there, she’s on her phone muffled sounds of laughter and music playing from it. She must hear him step out from the house onto the the porch because she locks the phone and sits it beside her.

When she doesn’t turn to look at him JJ makes his way over and sits down next to her. Her eyes are red and cheeks tear stained, clearly she’s been crying and JJ fights the urge to run away because this situation is probably going to involve a certain level of emotional maturity and he’s not equip for that.

He doesn’t want to break the silence, waits a minute for her to and when she doesn’t figures that means she doesn’t want to. So he fishes into his pocket to pull out his lighter and the blunt he rolled before coming.

He brings it up to his lips to light it, taking a slow drag before passing it off to Kie wordlessly.

‘Thanks,’ she say, barely above a whisper, her voice crackly.

They sit in silence passing the blunt back and forth, JJ watches the smoke disappear into the cold night air and listens to the occasional sniffle that comes from Kie. It starts kicking in and feels confident enough to break the silence, knowing she isn’t about to do it anytime soon.

‘You wanna talk about it?’ He keeps his tone light, keeps looking out towards the pool in front of them instead of at her so she doesn’t feel like she’s on display, under interrogation, he knows that’s what he would want.

‘Not really,’ she mumbles.

‘Fair enough.’

He knows what it’s like to not wanting to share your feelings so if she wants to bottle it up he’s going to let her.

She shuffles closer and leans her head onto his shoulder, on instinct he wraps his arm around her and rests his hand on her waist.

‘Thanks for coming.’

He doesn’t really know why she’s thanking him, he hasn’t really done anything, other than get her high, which is maybe all she wanted.

‘No worries,’ his thumb brushes up and down against her to try and reassure her, ‘I won’t even charge you.’

She laughs against her shoulder and he can’t hold back his smile at the sound.

Silence falls over them once more, and JJ has to admit its nice, despite the part where she’s sad for some unknown reason, sitting there Kie pushed into his side, her warmth radiating into him. He catches himself thinking he could get used to it, then wants to hit himself because, this, having Kie, isn’t something that he will ever get the opportunity to get used to.

They finish the blunt without another word, JJ’s stubbing it out in a pot plant next to them when Kie starts nuzzling into his neck, turning into him more and pushing further into his body, wrapping her arms around his neck. He almost think he’s imagining it when her lips press to his skin, then it happens again and he goes still.

She brings her face up to his, dragging her lips against his skin the whole way. His brow pulls together when she looks at him but he doesn’t get a chance to question her before she’s locking her lips on his.

It takes his brain a second to catch up before he’s returning her messy kisses, not stopping to question what’s happening. One of her hands works its way into his hair, lacing her fingers with his locks and pushes on his head to bring him closer, which he didn’t think was possible. He’s proven wrong a second later when her tongue finds its way into his mouth.

One of her legs pulls up to rest on his lap letting her move to a move comfortable angle against him. JJ tightens his grip on her hip and winds his other hand into her hair tugging on it, she moans in response and JJ swears it’s one of the best sounds he’s ever heard. Blindly Kie’s hand finds his and pulls it off her hip and guides it to her chest, JJ’s breath shutters but he doesn’t hesitate in starting to grip at the soft mound.

Her hand lets go of his and winds down between them, she palms him over his shorts and he lets out a groan and hips thrust into her hand involuntarily. He’s pretty sure his brain is about to short circuit, his thoughts running a million miles a minute, _is this really happening, what the fuck, god that feels good, Kie, Kie, Kie._

She shifts her hand to hook over the waistband of his shorts and uses it to pull him with her as she turns and starts leaning back to lay down on the hard wood floor of the porch. He hovers over her and his kisses become more frantic as she starts fiddling with the button of his shorts.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is happening, fuck._

His lips start trailing down her neck and she squirms as his teeth scrape against her skin, she manages to undo this button and fly and JJ pulls back to look at her. She flashes him a smile that doesn’t quite seem genuine, doesn’t meet her eyes that are still brimming with tears. That’s when it hits him.

Really it should have occurred to him a lot earlier, had he been thinking with his head and not his dick. But looking at her face he realises that this isn’t about him, about them, that it’s not because he came and was there for her, it’s not because she wants _him._ It was because she was upset and she was looking for comfort in the nearest warm body, and he just happened to be one she knew wouldn’t turn her away.

Kie grabs the bottom of her sweatshirt and pulls it over her head, then discards it over her shoulder before grabbing the back of his neck to pull him back down to her. He resists and her head tilts in question when he does.

Normally, he’d never really question the reason a girl wants to hookup with him, if she’s into it and is willing he’s more than happy to oblige. But with Kie the thought of doing this and it not meaning anything stops him. That’s not what he wants. Not with her.

He looks down at her a concentrates on getting his blood back up to his brain so it has the strength to force himself to make the right choice and pull away. When he doesn’t do anything Kie pushes up to kiss him and that helps him do it.

He pulls away and stands, he forgets they are right next to the stairs and ends up stumbling down them as he tries to get away, put some distance between them. Kie sits up on the top step again and looks at him standing on the ground across from her.

‘What’s wrong?’

JJ shakes his head trying to form the right words.

‘You can’t just-‘ He sounds angrier than he expected to, ‘fuck.’

He sucks in some deep breaths trying to steady himself and moves to do his pants up, which is uncomfortable as hell because he’s still hard but he’s pretty sure it’ll save him some dignity in the long run.

‘You can’t just kiss me because you're sad.’

Kie hugs her arms around her middle and shifts her eyes awkwardly, not meeting his.

‘That’s not what I was-‘

‘I’m not an idiot, okay?’

He cuts her off not wanting to listen to it. Don’t want to hear her act like that’s not what she was doing, doesn’t want some half assed excuse, it’s not going to make him feel any better.

‘I’m not here for you to just use me to feel better, for a distraction or whatever,’ he runs his hand through his hair and tugs on it.

Kie looks down at her hand’s guilty and starts picking at her nail.

‘I wasn’t trying to use you.’

‘Then what were you trying to do, Kie?’

She barely looks at him as she shrugs and shakes her head.

‘No, really. What’s going on here? Because from where I stand you only want anything to do with me when you want something from me. You expect me to just come running when you ask, act like we’re friends when you need something, when it’s convenient and then when it’s not it’s like I don’t fucking exist.’

Kie stands and steps down one of the steps towards him, he really wishes she would put her sweater back on because he’s trying to make a point and it’s a lot harder to concentrate on that when her boobs are practically popping out of a tiny black bralette.

Her eyes are soft and she looks like she’s getting ready to say something but he’s going to let her.

‘I’m not doing it anymore, Kie. I’m not. This bullshit half way in thing, this thing where you just take what you want and I let you because I’m some idiot who thinks you actually might give a shit.’

‘JJ-‘ she starts and then drifts off.

He doesn’t know what else to say so he heads to the stairs, steps past her and makes his way back to the house.

‘Pope and John B,’ Kie calls after him, he stops in his tracks and turns to her, ‘Are they mad at me.’

Really he’s not sure how they feel anymore, they do their best to avoid the topic of her.

‘They’ll get over it.’

She bites her lips, ‘So if I came by the Chateau…’

She trials off and JJ shrugs.

‘Won’t know unless you try it.’

When she finally comes back they all stare dumbfounded at her car as it comes up the drive and exchange confused looks. She jumps out of the car and brings with her a carton of beer and a couple of takeaway bags from The Wreck.

None of them speak, just watch, blinking dumbly lost of words. Kie stumbles over her apology, nervous and scared, the words falling from her mouth awkwardly, _I’m sorry, I miss you guys, can you forgive me? Please._

When she finishes she lets out a shaky breath and looks like she might throw up waiting for their response. Pope and John B turn back to look at JJ for his reaction, probably expecting some sort of outburst from him, to yell at her that she can’t just come crawling back. He doesn’t blame them really, but he’s made his peace with it, let himself accept that Kie is part of them, one of them and they aren’t the same without her.

He doesn’t mention that he practically asked her to come back and shrugs, its up to them what they want to do. Really he think’s it’s up to John B, sure she screwed them all over but she let down John B the most.

John B crosses his arms and sighs, ‘well that depends,’ he pauses and Kie chews on his lip, ‘What’s in the bags?’

Kie cracks a smile, knowing she’s won them over.

She passes out the food to them, and breaks into the beer. She tosses a can over to JJ and offers him a hesitant smile, he nods in acknowledgment.

And just like that it’s the four of them again, like it should be. Kie’s picks up pretty quickly that she never told the boys about their time together during the year so they don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about the kisses either, and what almost happened, but Kie starts casually reminding them of that stupid island rule, _no pouge on pouge macking_ , which everyone on The Cut swears is part of _the code_ but is complete bullshit cause everyone is sleeping with everyone. But JJ knows it’s for his sake, to remind him that she doesn’t see him that way and she doesn’t want him to try anything.

So he settles for harmless flirting, with not real intention behind it. He pretends that seeing John B and Kie getting closer doesn’t bother him, even encourages John B to make a move. Partly because he want’s his friends to be happy and they could do that for each other, partly because he’s selfish and he want’s to be proven wrong.

Which he is, Kie shoot’s John B down and JJ knows he shouldn’t be as happy as he is. The relief barely lasts a week, then he’s seeing Kie kissing Pope and his heart breaks for the second time that day (and unfortunately not for the last time).

In the end, he accepts it, because he’s already lost one friend and he’s not about to lose another one. He’s already experienced missing Kie and he doesn’t want to do it again. So Kie is his friend and he’s thankful for that, and he’s happy that his friends are happy.

It’s not like he ever thought he had a chance anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and that's it. Thoughts?  
> Leave it up to your interpretation but in my mind Kie actully had a thing for JJ but was confused. And when she comes back she doesn't want to complicate things or ruin the friendship and that leads us into season 1 where they are both crushing and acting like they aren't, which in my mind is canon.
> 
> hmu on my socials  
> [Instagram ](https://www.instagram.com/shielclmaiden/)(shielclmaiden)  
> [Tumblr](https://hvitstark.tumblr.com/) (hvitstark)


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